Tormented Howls of an Anguished Werewolf
by Merlinda
Summary: The diary of 15-year-old Remus Lupin... ANGST, ANGST, ANGST! (RL-SB)
1. Black Magic?

Tormented Howls of an Anguished Werewolf 

Diary of R. J. Lupin 

Edited by: Merlinda 

Disclaimer: 

Ok, look. 

This is something a little different...not your normal diary fic. Because it's a Tom Riddle-esque type diary. Yes, you have the diary entries, but some of the situations you actually get to see played out. It's a different style, even for me. Not to say that you readers are guinea pigs, but... well... you are. But there was really no other way to get this fic out. Straight storytelling dragged out scenes that _really_ didn't need to be dragged out and just doing diary entries didn't seem like it would do it justice. So there's the first-person diary style that has third-person partial-omniscient storytelling sprinkled in (HA to all English majors and English people out there! HA!) The story-telling parts are from scenes of the original fic that I loved too much and didn't want to lose. And all full moon scenes will have no entry (duh, he's a wolf. Hard to write when you don't have opposable thumbs). I know the style's a little different... a little weird... but go with it. If it works and people like it, I'll continue it. If not, I'll keep it for myself. But, if it doesn't work... don't flame too badly, please? 

Here's the standard disclaimer-I don't own HP, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, "Jekyll and Hyde: the Musical," or anything ELSE that I might make reference to. The only thing I own is the idea and the fic itself. Those are mine. 

This is not a pleasant fic, I'll warn you now (as if the title wasn't enough of an indicator). So continue on into the thoughts of the tortured soul of a young werewolf... if you dare.   
  
  
  


Oh, and by the way... this is a little slashy. Don't say I didn't warn you.   
  
  
  
  
  


Entry #1 – Black Magic? 

August 31, 1975 

_This is crazy. It's complete and utter madness. So begins the diary of Remus John Lupin: with complete and utter madness. This isn't me. I shouldn't be noticing these things. Not about another boy, anyway. Not about Sirius._

Remus Lupin sat on the marble steps of Gringotts Wizard Bank, resisting the urge to check his watch for the fifth time in the past three minutes. "They said they'd meet here at 3," he muttered, giving in and looking at his watch. 3:28. "Alright, you three. I'll give you _two_ more minutes," he said, lifting his eyes to the busy street in front of him. "After that, I'm going on without you." 

"Do you make it a habit to talk to yourself, Moony?" 

Remus tensed at the voice before turning to face its owner. 

His three friends, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius Black, stood behind him. Sirius himself was leaning with casual elegance against one of the many marble columns. His black hair had grown out over the summer and was long enough to tie back if he so desired. 

Today he had not. 

The long raven locks framed his face and princely good-looks, making him look all the more like the mischievous rogue, while his dark, fathomless eyes sparkled with amusement. His whole body radiated an aristocratic grace that came as naturally to him as breathing. The very air around him seemed to crackle with energy and sexuality. 

_Sexuality, indeed! Where in the name of Merlin did THAT come from?? This is going to be an absolute nightmare, this year. We leave for Hogwarts tomorrow. What am I going to do? This is crazy! It's... ridiculous! Completely random. Which means it won't last. This is crazy!!! Why am I even thinking this in the first place? I mean, it's _Sirius_! He's one of my best friends! ...Not to mention another boy... This won't last. I'm sure this happens a lot. No harm will come of it. It'll all be gone and forgotten tomorrow._

_Flourish and Blotts lost the Invisible Book of Invisibility. Who didn't see _that_ one coming?_

_And it also seems Jamesy has a little crush on a certain female Gryffindor prefect._

James lead the way up the steps to the apothecary's shop. He was about to open the door when the knob twisted beneath his hand and the door opened to reveal a girl of medium height with long red hair and dazzling green eyes. It was none other than fellow-Gryffindor Lily Evans. 

James stumbled back, nearly falling down the small set of stairs. He managed to save himself by grabbing hold of the iron railing in a very natural-looking move. "Alright, Evans?" he said, his hand automatically going to his naturally unkempt hair trying to smooth it out. 

She fixed him with a cool smile. "Nice to see you, James," she said as she walked by him. "I'll see you at school." 

James stared after her until she disappeared into the crowd, a faraway look on his face. 

"James? Hey, James," Remus said, waving a hand in front of his friend's face. 

"Aw, leave him," Sirius said. "Can't you see the boy's sick with love?" 

James seemed to snap out of his reverie at this. "Shut it, Black," he said, jerking open the apothecary door. 

"Looks like he's got it bad," Peter said, following Sirius's lead. 

The apothecary's shop was a miasma of foul odors and random potion ingredients, though this did nothing to dampen Sirius's mood. 

"Peter's right," he said. "You've nearly fallen _head over heels_ for Evans, haven't you?" 

"Fuck you," James said sourly. 

"Flattering as that offer is," Sirius said with an evil grin, "I thought you wanted Evans." 

James continued to grumble while Remus looked on in amusement. "Are we going to stand here all day and talk about Lily or are we going to get those ingredients we need?" 

_Love is in the air. I just hope it's only for James. It is. Has to be. Who else would it be for... except most of the younger witches in Diagon Alley after seeing Sirius. Does he have to try to charm the knickers off of all of them? Stupid git. I don't know what to do about him most of the time. He's just..._


	2. London by Night

Well, here's chapter/entry 2! For those of you returning for chapter 2, I _did_change a few things in chapter 1, so you need to go back and read it (just the end of the chapter). Ok? Onward!   
  


Entry #2 – London by Night 

September 1, 1975 – after midnight 

_I suppose I should explain why I left off in the middle of a thought. Said 'stupid git' decided to hang upside down outside my window at that particular moment and scared me half to death._

"Remus! Hey, Remus!" 

Remus looked wildly around the room before his eyes landed on the window. Outside of it, Sirius hung upside-down, his dark eyes glinting with mischief. "What in the name of Merlin...?!?" 

But the other boy didn't answer the unfinished question, simply grinned and pointed toward the roof. Then he was gone. 

Remus smiled and shook his head at his friend's antics. Honestly, sometimes… but why not? With a sigh, he crossed the room to the window and put his foot gingerly on the sill. It seemed sturdy enough. He heaved himself onto it carefully before ducking out the window. 

The edge of the roof was just in arm's reach, and he grabbed it desperately with one hand. He glanced over his shoulder and immediately wished he hadn't. It was a long way down. "Sweet Circe, please don't let me fall," he prayed as he clutched the edge of the roof with his other hand. He could just see the headlines of the Daily Prophet: "Hogwarts Student Perishes by Fall from Leaky Cauldron Roof!" He pulled himself up, the muscles in his arms complaining with each inch. Another headline: "Leaky Cauldron Roof Crumbles: Hogwarts Student Falls to Death!" _'Don't think about that,'_ he mentally scolded himself. _'You're not going to fall.'_ He swung one leg up over the edge when he got enough height and crawled the rest of the way up the pitched roof to where Sirius sat before flopping down, quivering slightly from the excess adrenaline. 

"There you are," Sirius said casually. 

"Sirius, answer me one thing," Remus said, panting slightly. "How did you get outside my window?" 

The other boy gave him an odd look. "Hung over the side, of course. How else?" 

Remus couldn't help the swell of anger that started to rise within him. That Sirius had so casually put his own life in danger enraged him beyond reason. "Sirius! You could have fallen! You could have _died_!" 

"Remus?" 

"What?" 

"Look." 

_I have to admit, the view was magnificent. All of London lit up like nothing I've ever seen. And you could see all the way to the Thames. Sometimes it's amazing to see just how closely the Muggle world and the wizarding world coexist. Looking down at Diagon Alley, squeezed in among the thousands of Muggle buildings, was just fascinating. I don't think I've ever appreciated the moonlight so much._

_Sirius was in rare form tonight. Not in a bad way, though. Apparently, he and James have almost figured out the Animagus charm. He's so confident about it. I know he can do it, but so many things can go wrong. But he didn't seem to care. He seemed so... peaceful. Charming. Stunning._

Stunning_? _Why _am I _still _thinking that? He certainly was _not_ stunning…not to the point where I get a dull ache in my chest when I think about him. Damn it... this isn't me. I will not start thinking like this! This is a phase. This _has_to be a phase. Not that I have problems with it... of all people I think I'm the last who can be judgmental. But it's just not _me_. This will pass. It _will_. I just need to sleep on it. It will be gone tomorrow._


	3. Streak of Madness

Merl here. Hope you are all enjoying (in some twisted way) this little fic of mine. I know it's really angsty. But I like it! My friend Faber Wolffe, who just happens to be my beta reader, read a certain scene in this chapter and smelled fanart. You''ll know it when you read it... sit back, Siri fans! Drool is bad for your keyboard!! Enjoy! 

Oh, and due to some recent and official info given to me by my friend and roomie FreevAmi, I have changed Remus's middle name. It's John. Not Julius. That makes me sad... I _like_ Julius!! I may change it back, but we'll see.   
  
  


Entry #3 – Streak of Madness 

September 1, 1975 – later that day 

_Thank every god out there for the prefect car. After the stunt Sirius pulled this morning before we left the Leaky Cauldron, I don't know if I could face him..._

"Sirius!" James's mother called up the stairs. "Hurry, dear, or we'll miss the train!" 

She was answered almost immediately by loud footfalls. In another moment, Sirius Black had appeared. And his attire was enough to make Remus do a double take. 

His hair had been slicked back into a low tail that was tied at the nape of his neck, giving him the look of the gentleman pirate. A mischievous pirate if he ever saw one with that charmingly arrogant smirk. He had a black leather jacket hanging over his shoulder, the silver zippers and button glinting so brightly it almost hurt Remus's eyes to look at them. They didn't stay on the painful silver long as he continued to sweep his eyes over Sirius. His white shirt clung to his body, accenting every line of every muscle in his well-toned body. ...He'd never scoff at Sirius's insistence on working out ever again... And damn if those weren't the tightest leather pants he had ever seen! It should be illegal! ...For anyone but Sirius, of course... They were cut to ride low on his hips, and—he moved his eyes slightly lower—the binding article _did _have its advantages. 

_'REMUS! Quit looking there!'_

He lowered his eyes quickly as his mouth began to water, noting the black leather boots that completed the ensemble. 

"What's that getup for?" Peter asked. 

Sirius grinned. "Want to take my bike for a last spin before we get to school." 

Remus lifted his eyes to Sirius's face and took a deep breath, carefully ruling his features to a mildly uninterested look as he gazed at the other boy. But if he had _ever_ wanted to get Sirius alone in a room and rip off his clothes… 

He suddenly felt the urge to bang his head against a wall. Maybe he'd damage the part of his brain that kept having these thoughts. He closed his eyes briefly and bit down on his tongue, trying to think of something..._anything_ to block the images he was having. _'Severus naked on a cold day... Severus naked on a cold day...'_

"Oh, Sirius, you're not taking that thing to King's Cross, are you?" Mrs. Potter asked with a concerned look. 

"Mrs. Potter," Sirius began, giving her a brilliant smile while turning the charm control way up, "did I ever tell you that you're like the dear mum I never had? You're a saint, marm, a true saint." 

James playfully punched Sirius on the arm. "Quit trying to sweet talk me mum!" 

"Just because she loves me more than you..." 

"Now, now, boys!" Mrs. Potter said with a laugh. "Sirius, dear, you know you won't be able to take it to Hogwarts." 

_That damn motorcycle of his...But those _pants_..._

_What am I saying? I did _not_ need that image in my head... not when I'm trying to get _rid_ of all those thoughts. This is... this is _madness_! Dangerous. But temporary. It won't last. It should have been gone this morning! Why can't I shake this?!? And Mrs. Potter... at the platform..._

"Oh, Remus," Mrs. Potter called. Remus turned to face his friend's mother as the train whistle shrilled. "Take care of Sirius, would you?" she asked softly as the note died away. 

Remus's eyes widened at the request. "Take care...?" 

"Just keep an eye on him for me. Now hurry or you'll miss the train." 

Remus nodded dumbly before boarding the scarlet steam engine. Why did it suddenly feel like Mrs. Potter had just sentenced him to death? 

_This year's going to be hell. Absolute _hell_._


End file.
